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This Vicious CycleI'm fine.
I love my life.
I'm enjoying every minute of it.
There is nothing I should need to regret.
But then why am I so nervous?
Why am I bitting my nails, ringing my hands, twiddling my thumbs, and tapping my feet?
Why does my heart feel like a rock?
Why do I sit while holding my knees, as if I'm holding myself together...
Having a good time.
But how can I say that when my head won't stop spinning with thoughts?
When I can't concentrate on one thing.
When I can't I stop laughing, giggling.
When I feel like the world around me is in fast forward.
When I can't remember things.
When I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet.
I think I'm fine now.
It was just a phase.
I got through it.
But how can I think that?
When this vicious cycle continues.
I feel helpless.
I love my life.
I'm enjoying every minute of it.
There is nothing I should need to regret."
That FeelingYou know that feeling the split second before you fall?
That moment of pure terror.
Because you don't quite know what's going on,
what's going to happen,
or how it's going to end.
You know that feeling when your heart aches?
When barbed wire wraps itself around your heart
and doesn't let go?
Do you know that feeling, when you know something bad is going to happen.
But you can't stop it?
With every fiber in you, you try to make it better,
but nothing happens.
There's nothing you can do.
Now imagine this,
all that fear,
crumpled up into one big ball of never ending insanity.
It's not fun.
It's not pleasant.
And no, I can not "just get over it."
This is what I feel every time I get scared,
see his face,
or disappoint someone.
But that's okay.
it's just fear.
My Awesome Little SisterDear Zara,
Right now you are sitting across from me at our homemade bookshelf desks, and I'm respecting your requests by keeping my boy band music contained in my headphones. I'm not sure when you'll read this, but I'll let you find it for yourself because I'm still warming up to the fact that you are really one of my BEST friends. You are different though. You are my sister which is something extraordinary. I know you'll never leave me. As I'm losing the people I once called friends, you stand strong and stay by my side.
I think we need to hang out more. I propose we go on adventures. Film them and take tons of photos. You be the director, I'll be your actor. I'll be the photographer, and you'll be the model. We'll have a blast! We can go to parks, museums, libraries, bowling alleys, arcades I can drive, and you've only got a few more months till you can too. We can ditch home and live out in the world.
UnpoeticI wish someone could
See through the
The excuses I make
up so I don't have
to bother anybody
I wish for respect
For someone who
Who doesn't do something
that hurts me
Someone who fights for
When the depression comes
and drags me away
Someone who will
pull me back
and hold onto me
Never letting go
and everyone has their
back to me
They walk away
What is so wrong with
Or can love me?
I'm screaming at the top
of my lungs, because
Gasping for air in a
Crying out for help,
and no ship in sight.
This missing sensationI hope it burns.
I want it to consume you
Wrap, its warmth around you, choking,
Until you scream my name.
I want you to hate it
Yet, love it, your so addicted.
Your so addictive.
I hope its painful.
I want my name on your lips.
When your hot under the collar,
On the edge,
I want you to remember.
unforgetting, my hands on your body.
Your hands on mine.
I hope it pleases.
I want you to want to hear my voice
Be comforted, by words,
Only said by me.
I want the missing to bury itself
Deep, I want it to burn you.
As it burns me
Dear -fill in name- Dear [fill in name],
We sincerely regret to inform you that while you would seem to be a great person, we will be stomping on your dreams and totally crushing all your hopes. We are sorry to make you abandon all the plans you had previously made for your life, and hope it will not inconvenience you in any way.
After a large gap to fill more of the page, we give some non-specific reasons why we have chosen to pound you into the dust. Our decision concerning you was made not because you are bad at what you do, but that in our opinion there are a great many people who are better.
We offer you a hollow preservation of your self esteem by telling you that while we have rejected you totally, perhaps someone else will find something worthwhile. Please be comforted by the fact that our secretary may have spent up to thirty seconds filling in your na
i wish you loveyou have northern downpours behind your eyes
because that was one lie too many.
i remember how that hurt, love
so i resolve to be your sunshine, your only sunshine.
[and i'll try to make you happy when all your skies are gray].
you have glass shards where your bones should be -
they look strong, but they're only beautiful.
i know how easy it is to breakshatterimplode, love
so i promise to be there to cushion the blows.
you have camouflage where, before, there was skin
because your first instinct is to hide, now.
i understand why you're running scared, love
so i swear to be the sanctuary you always needed but never had.
i know that promises were made to be broken,
but you deserve sunrises and red m&m's
and silly string and picture frames, if anyone does.
if anybody has earned peace and love, it's you.
i just wanted to tell you that i'm sorry you have fractures in your heart.
if you give them time, i promise they'll mend; but in the mean time all i can say is
into your whispers,
to hear the subtle
cries for help,
to understand you
speaking your mind
under your breath,
like a nosy neighbor
with his ear
to the air vent,
on the other side of
his apartment wall
to sing louder.
deluded by gasps,
sheltered from ears
like you were
to your words
with tiny ear buds
just low enough
to lack clarity.
What did you say?
Dysthymic Paradoxicality So hard to pretend
But so easy to lie.
Not wanting to live
But too scared to die.
The feeling rises up
But drags me down.
It's less strain to smile
But easier to frown.
It's hard to ask for help
Easy to accept it
It's selfish to ask others to help
BUT THEN AGAIN
It's selfish not to give them the ch
DenialIs this how you tell me you love me?
Because last I knew
it was three words
none of which included "goodbye"
dance or dieit hasn't been her day, her week, nor her month
so she's thinking it probably won't be her year,
and she's giving up,
is just going to throw her hands up
and give herself over to spinning in crazy kaleidoscope circles
where the shapes form the past from memories that dont matter anymore.
she's sending her broken heart and crushed dreams
up to the stars on a firework
with all the love letters she never had the courage to send
and the pleas she almost choked on.
and when they finally explode,
no one can ever say that heart-break isn't beautiful.
the music coming through the speakers keeps her heart pumping in rhythm
with the poundingpulsing of her blood
and she feels more alive now than she can ever remember.
she's losing control, is throwing it away
and it's alright because control is overrated anyway
and the beat of the music is so much better than crying.
you might not know it, but the good life is sleeping where you fall.
I've Been ThereWhen I tell you I'm different,
I don't want your pity.
When I tell you my feelings,
I promise, it won't be pretty.
But you're surprised anyway,
or you don't even care.
Yes, I know.
Believe me, I've been there.
When I tell you I'm different
please, at least, react.
I know you don't want to be friends anymore,
your face only shows fact.
When I tell you my feelings.
I won't fall apart.
I'm just sending out emotion,
straight from my heart.
So you're still in shock,
or you don't even care.
Please don't go away,
I've been there
Volpi.You will find that the story you tell
is very rarely your own. In Lucca,
even the smallest pebbles
breathe in the warm sunlight.
Knotted stones and cobbled roads
beat out a paper-dry heartbeat heat
my city breathes in and out,
inhales sparrow air.
It's writing a story.
You are the pen.
You will find that in Lucca
the daisy chains forge fire
in side streets and back alleys.
Teenagers intertwine. Tell me,
odd flower, are you still closed?
Here we are colored wax;
the heat of the city melts us.
We run into each other, rhapsody
of pigments. Operas are our specialties.
Open up; feel the reds.
If not, try and see them. There is a place
of deep knife marks, a street
long as midnight
you may learn something there.
Valentina's voice glimmers like red wine.
You may enjoy intoxications. Still,
know alcohol has no story
and will swallow your own.
Find the sign with the wolf on it.
You'll know the place. Epiphanies ring true as church-bells.
Lucca still guides the wanderers
to well sp
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